Listen to Your Mother!
The Importance of Verbal Communication to Motivate Teens
Parents often use verbal communication to motivate their teens to behave a certain way and to cooperate. Developmentally, this is the age where parents, although still present to guide, are to be put on the back burner as peers are the primary source of influence and preference.
Parenting styles
A recent study published in the Journal Developmental Psychology* looked at two common parenting styles when speaking to their teens: authoritarian (controlling) and authoritative (autonomous-supportive). The purpose was to find which one is more effective at motivating teens to follow through and successfully complete tasks they were asked to do.
Researchers at Cardiff University tested the different styles with 1,000 children ages 14 and 15. Mothers of adolescents delivered identical messages in either an autonomy-supportive or with a controlling tone of voice speaking motivational statements such as: “You will do well on this assignment,” and “It’s time now to go to school.”
Listening to mothers making motivating statements in an authoritative tone of voice elicited more positive and less negative emotions. It also increased closeness, and intentional behavioral engagement among adolescents. The opposite occurred when adolescents listened to mothers making motivational statements in authoritarian tone of voice. These findings explain how mothers’ spoken communications has an impact on teens, as well as on the quality of parent-child relationships, adolescents’ well-being, and engagement.
Teens in the study reported feeling a sense of closeness and positive emotions when tasks were communicated in the supportive tone.
What can parents learn?
The findings may not be surprising to many parents, but it is a good reminder.
“If parents want conversations with their teens to have the most benefit, it’s important to remember to use supportive tones of voice. It’s easy for parents to forget, especially if they are feeling stressed, tired, or pressured themselves.”
Dr. Netta Weinstein
Positive tips for parenting teens:
- Engage with your teen: find a common ground, a family game night, cook together and as often as possible, eat together.
- Try hard not to be provoked: No one knows us better than our own children; let go of the little things and choose the bigger battles.
- Model behaviors we want more of: Treat them with kindness and respect and we will see more of these behaviors in return.
- Apologize if and whenever we lose it: This teaches we all make mistakes and how to apologize.
- Effectively communicate: Try face-to-face over virtual communication and pay attention to voice tone as much as body language.
- Be authentic and be their biggest fan: Believe in them and they will become who they are supposed to be.
Our children look to us for guidance and to be their safe space. Not always easy to do, so remember that there are no perfect parents, we are all perfectly imperfect and trying our best. Take time to enjoy something just for you each day. With the right perspective, we can find joy in the little things.
